i think i have worked out my problem with writing--keyword there, of course, being "think", but hey it's good enough for the start of a theory so we'll go with it. it turns out (keywords "i think" echoes in the distance) that maybe the reason i sit for hours on end staring at the next part of my writing without doing anything is, most likely, because i try to get it right the first time. this is obviously what most people do i know i know but i feel like for me it's slightly different, the reason why i want this. any person with zero self respect who has read through these entries knows (jk if youve read through these i am mildly confused but at the same time i get it lads i too like to read journals of other people to pick at their brains like a zombie-vulture) that i don't care for repetition and like to do things in fun ways, and if i have to just. copy and paste something without adding to the process of doing it in any way, i get bored. well, not so much bored. i mean maybe i get bored; i don't know, because most times i just dread doing it and never start doing it in the first place.
writing, in a way, is like that. if i wanna write something out, it's because i have a cool (or h*rny smh smh) idea i wanna show people. but if, in writing the idea out i don't get to use language in a fun way, then my brain is like "who cares youre just copy pasting what's happening from your brain to the page" and gives up before even starting. that was my problem. still is, kinda.
but maybe, i might have a solution. that solution is tricking myself into doing work by making it into a nice comparative metaphor and going "hah you do this, loser, so write the damn stuff down." the sexy comparative metaphor i will use to emotionally manipulate my brain goes thusly: in video games, you grind. this is boring as all hell (kinda, it's still sometimes fun to just do and it isn't too hard) but what you get is resources. you can then use those resources to have a fun time and achieve the main goal. in writing, you write just the boring, no-fun-introspection-or-intersting-language-use events. this is boring as hell (kinda, it's still sometimes fun to just do it and it isn't too hard) but what you get is the base text. you can then use that base text and edit it to play with the language a little and have a fun time, and it actually conveys the cool idea to other people and achieves the goal of writing in the first place.
now go write you loser
also seriously these diary entries are worthless i wonder if anyone reads these bc. i mean. i wouldn't reread these if i weren't me. if anyone's reading this phone in on one-eight-hundred-RADIO-CHANNEL-NUMBER with your top ten favourite beanbottles facts to go into the draw to win the experience of me saying "huh i see okay"
look i know every godforsaken entry in this diary thing is about the same thing but hey it's what i'm thinking about so i'll write it down why not. this site is pretty much done. that's how it seems to me at least. i've learnt html, i've made like 20 different types of pages each with their own design and now doing it feels kinda like a chore. now i just write notes or stupid diary entries like these that all sound the same because i am my own cassandra, telling myself of my inevitable fate while simultaneously ignoring the impending and total boredom that is to come. to try to sort out my emotions neatly so i can turn this into an experience of personal growth (and maybe stop doing this, huh?) it is more than simple boredom, in all honesty. people make sites because they have something to show the world; their passions, their personality, small things about their day that they write in their diary so others can read and sympathise. i didn't do this--i made a site because i thought "hey, maybe i'll try to do that, try to throw myself out there for other people to see" but, well. as the weeks have passed i have come, again, face to face with how little of "myself" there is. even if i have interests or goals, i don't care about them enough to bother doing anything with them. talking about what happened to me that day is bland because no one (and by no one, i mean me) cares about what i did.
anyway, i guess the crux of this entry is that there are two reasons i'm probably not really gonna update much anymore, and two things about myself that i have no idea how to change: 1. i got bored (and i don't like that this happens with everything i try and do) and 2. i don't actually have anything of note to share (and this is the reason why i can't actually make friends; it's always a one way street with them happily sharing what they care about and did and me not having anthing to offer back).
actually as a side note this is why i find pretty much every twitter account fascinating; sharing tiny things like "good morning"/"just ate breakfast lol"/livetweeting watching things and playing games...people doing that stuff is so interesting to me because i could not and i wish i could but i just. can't. again it's not because i value privacy or whatever i just don't see a point even though i do see a point
anyway weekly talking-to-myself session complete ciao *2012 youtuber dubstep outro plays*
okay so my simple thought of "hah let's make a dio and liquid are similar" page has mutated--a beam of pure idea radiation has hit and now the simple page has grown legs to stand on and also sentience but mostly the legs. this is gonna take some time to make but i can't wait. nothing but the best for my stupid metal gear jojo semi-meta-crossover!
wtf is this. also wtf is my handwriting right ikik i have the hands of a high-schooler who never got their pen license
honestly i kinda wish i wasn't so preoccupied with making every page a bastion of uniqueness. uniquosity? it's "uniqueness" but that sounds ugly. anyway, i have a bunch of pages that i wanna make but i keep wanting to make them show up in new ways and--
this is just 20.09's diary entry huh
man why am i out here getting bored with making every page the same when every thought i have is the same
i got really into making this site because man is learning a language fun, programming or otherwise. learning the limitations and exactly how to break them is the best part, and...well. i think i've done that. which kinda sucks. because now i look at things i kinda wanted to put on this site (music recs, a godforsaken about page) and i don't even know if i want to do them anymore. i keep trying to think of new ways to display them/make them in html, and i can't really; thus i can't really be bothered making them. i think i will, just because writing code is fun enough, but at this point it feels a bit routine and chore-y, as opposed to the great struggle/looking-up-things-and-learning-every-second-line-of-code experience that everything up until a few pages ago has been.
i'm glad i did this, html was fun. but i'm burnt out. not in a "i'm tired of this" kind of way. more like "i have no fuel left to consume" kind of way. i'm not the wood, but the fire, in this metaphor. i want to consume more knowledge
anyway as always, smash that subscribe button, favourite wiki pages page coming next week, don't forget to leave a comment with the clown emoji if you've read this far, ya boi out
i'm not one for public indecency, but if high school boys can walk around in their ahegao hoodies i can walk around in the best piece of metal gear merch ever made no problem.
also, i feel like one of the biggest parts of maturing (at least for me) has been learning to humour people who are oh-so-clearly trying to manipulate you. like when people are trying to push you into doing something and you can tell because you have eyes, it's so tempting to just put your hand on their shoulder and just. look them in the eye for a minute until they get what you're trying to say and reluctantly give up the act. but, i think most of the time people are just trying to be ~cool~ and ~edgy~ when trying to push you into doing something (and those who are genuinely trying to get something out of you covertly can just be ignored.) learning to give a little bit of leeway has actually been of great benefit. getting pushed around a bit is a miniscule cost for the amazing benefit of seeing those kinds of people's confidence slowly grow and grow before being shattered when you calmy push them back somehow.
beanbottles swears they are not edgy. istg i just like bullying people, okay? only a widdle bit!!
this didn't even come from anything recent; i keep thinking about this one shamchat conversation i had with this complete edgelord years ago. it was the best thing. i did what i do best and acted like a clown while still giving enough ~deep~ and ~edgy~ content to string him along. it was beautiful. i, no joke, got sent the video of bane's speech from that one batman movie. he was all like "this is me." i loved it. it was not even cringe-inducing, it was so, genuinely, amazing; i had no idea people like that existed in real life.
a few days ago when i was browsing youtube, listening to my weeb songs and watching the vinesauce mgs compilations for like the 20th time, i noticed that if you click on a story during an ad, the ad would disappear when you click off/close the story. the downside was that however long you had watched of the story would be where you are in the video (ie if you'd watched like 2 secs of the story, the ad would be closed when you returned to the vid, but the vid would be 2 secs in) but that was tiny so i skipped so many unskippable ads
anyway, i opened youtube just then and, would you look at that. no stories on the homepage. they got us, boys. i felt like a complete oil tycoon, not telling people something beneficial until it was too late all so i could profit. except it wasn't climate change it was "hey youtube's broken again". look man, my grey morality here is justified if i had told anyone youtube would have realised it sooner as the pool of potential snitches started to increase.
also, i don't even know what to do with this website. the actual process of making it/learning to make it is great though, so i want to do SOMETHING with it...i don't know. for this reason i started making the new romantic sailors page actually; a desire to create but no purpose.
that's not completely true actually i started making the nrs page because that song is a SLAM oh man it's so good it rates like top ten songs of all time for me easily
okay i don't actually keep a diary, and if i did, i wouldn't really want to share ~personal details~ online (mostly because i don't really care about sharing that kinda stuff; it's boring. it isn't really because i'm scared of being doxxed; the surveillance age is here, baby, whether you like it or not!) but i can't just NOT keep an account of my gradual descent into madness as i make this site. you know, last night i spent four hours making this from pretty much nothing (with my genuinely non-existent html knowledge) into the pretty nothing it is now. we love growth.
anyway, the coding was actually really fun. html is quite limiting in that it's pretty much only a display language and therefore has no actual..."logic"? i guess? idk...to it. but i quite enjoy working with a limited toobox to create, so of course when i had the sudden idea of "huh i could totally use an empty website in an iframe to hide a div, and then have a link open a site in that previously invisible iframe" i sat down, upon which my bed broke through into a rabbit hole that lasted until 4am and included me creating a few stamps and blinkies on the side because "i need SOMETHING to display, right? let's find and make a few more!" for two hours.
also seriously i've had it with how much this site looks like homestuck i swear this is just my aesthetic i. i can't help who i am.
the problem with the tactical espionage action div to the side that houses the overly tacky gifs is that as it has a set size (to work around html's clunky %-based div/iframe implementation) if the user has a screen that has an aspect ratio with the width too small, the div will cover up the menu. this doesn't really matter as that would only really happen on mobile and i have a separate site for that, but yeah that's a thing. it works fine though and i wouldn't give up my stealth blinkies/stamps section for the world man.